Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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