I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
