peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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