Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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