so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
