and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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