i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
