Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
