But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Randomize
