eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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