are you so shy because you have an std?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
