you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
