the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Randomize
