There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
