And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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