On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dear god my vagina.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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