i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
