I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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