I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sacagawea was the original milf.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
