Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
