If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
