Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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