That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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