Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
