dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
All the doctor said was why
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
