wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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