what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
