Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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