You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
