HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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