i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
