Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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