M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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