Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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