explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
