The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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