He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
