just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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