I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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