Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
