I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
