So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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