i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize