i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
