Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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