I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
