There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
