he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
