Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
