dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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