Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
