im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
