ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
