When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
